By Erik Newton

People often ask me to summarize how to make a new friend because they know I have been focused on new friendships for many years. They also know that I now have more than a dozen good local friends.

Here is what it takes, and most of it is not easy. It's the homework.

Turn off the screen, get out, and make time to meet new people. Invest in sources and activities where you think good people exist. Introduce yourself to everyone. Ask for phone numbers from the people you spark with. Invite them out and don't give up too soon. Be a good, reciprocal friend. Contribute to the friendship. Make time to meet regularly with new friends.

It's not a long list, but there is some bad math that goes with it. You need to meet and engage with about twenty people to make one new friend that you like, who likes you, and who has some capacity available for you. If you don't meet and connect with a lot of people, it will be hard to make a good friend, and that will lead to giving up too soon.

Most people don't fail because they are unlikeable. They fail because they quit after meeting five people. Or because they stop after one lunch. Or because they wait for the other person to do all the work.

I have a new friend who told me when we first met that he didn't need friends. Today he likes seeing me a few times a week. I can't say for sure that he needs me, but it seems that way.

He does a lot of activities and belongs to several groups. He often invites me. I go an engage and I look around the room and do the homework of getting numbers and making invites. After an event, I might tell him that I got three phone numbers and set up two lunches. Then I ask him what he got. He smiles a bit and says, "Uh none. I'm not very good at that yet."

Why Most Adults Don't Do the Homework

There are a lot of reasons why people avoid making new friends. People are busy. People are afraid of rejection. People don't want to appear needy. People assume chemistry should be immediate and emerge organically. People expect reciprocity too soon. People stop after one lunch or one unanswered text. Those are just some of the reasons you have to meet and connect with around 20 people to make a new friend.

People who have a lot of friends do the homework and score more friends. People with more friends are more satisfied with their lives, enjoy better health, and live longer.